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Community Feature
Buttery Lobster and Bathroom Rights!


By Breezy
(May 24, 2001)

Since the day my Grandson was born twenty three years ago, my life has taken on a whole new spin. It's been a wonderful ride, but one of such speed that I really should have been forewarned! When Ryan was three, along came little sister number one and six years later little sister number two.

I myself, had raised one sweet natured, unspoiled little girl that offered me not even a hint of what was to come with three, rambunctious, multi-personality grandchildren!

  1. In case you haven't yet experienced the sheer marvel of Grandparenthood, there are a few facts you should be aware of:
    • There will be treasured FEW family meals taken in restaurants for at least six years.
    • There will be treasured few PEACEFUL family meals taken in restaurants for at least ten years.
    • Instead of the standard "Do you have a nice table at the window?" question, you will ask "Do you have something off to the side where we won't bother people? And boy....I hope you have one of those little hokey sweepers!"
    • Cocktails will be curtailed.
    • Wine with dinner TABOO!
    • And you will not order anything bordering on exotic! Grandpa and I (you'll have no first names from now on!) once made the mistake of ordering whole broiled lobsters, and sent our middle Granddaughter into trembling hysterics! She sobbed and shivered and crammed herself so far into the corner of the high chair that we considered using our lemon laced butter to slide her out of the thing! The waiter was summoned, (Obviously not a lover of kids, he approached us with the hokey sweeper and a teeth gritting smile) and we requested the fearsome and lovely lobsters be removed from the table to be hidden in Styrofoam boxes.

      The interesting climax of that family saga? That little girl is now studying Marine Science!

  2. The second part of this lesson concerns the bathroom. If you are the Grandmother, take my word for it, you will never again go to that lovely room alone!

When the oldest two grandchildren were small, we spent a lot of time together. Their Mama would either bring them to me out of need, or I would go and fetch them just to come and play. In either event, about fifteen minutes after they arrived, I would question the sanity of my thinking!

BOTH children wanted 100% of my time and attention! We would color and draw and do pretend "musicals" and record ourselves on the cassette and watch videos and build things and destroy things and....you name it! We tried it! And it was all truly great fun! Until I would disappear around a doorway! To those kids, NOT being able to SEE me, was the ultimate Grandma no-no!!

Therefore the challenge of my day was to get my potty breaks in without being caught! And like threading a needle following four cups of joe, this was no easy task!!

I would begin the drill the minute signs of the "need" were evident. Because I knew it would take all my cunning and at least ten minutes to get my mission accomplished.

The trick was to get them so absorbed in something that I could fade out of sight and get the bathroom door closed AND locked before they found me missing! IT NEVER WORKED! They could hear that door softly close from three rooms away with the T.V. on and a thunderstorm outside! They would first throw themselves against the door pitifully crying my name. That would be followed by, "Please! Please Grandma! We have to go to the potty too!!"

"Then go use the other bathroom!" was my usual retort. And eventually, "Okay! Get back from the door! I'm coming out!"

"We're back!" they would lie.

"No you're not! I can hear you breathing! Now get back or somebody's gonna to get hurt when I open the door!"

Silence. I would SLOOOWLY open the door and the little bodies, who weren't breathing now lest I hear them, would tumble softly into the small room and lie in a tangled heap with huge brown eyes staring guiltily up at me.

"I was back but he pushed me!" the littlest would offer.

There are only forty eight more things that I need to make you aware of. We'll do this in chapters!!


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